This is part of a series that will run through summer 2025, the months in which we Sisters make our 8-day annual retreat. The series will highlight retreat reflections from the Sisters, providing an opportunity, as it were, to glimpse the heart of the Sisters…
Sometimes, Jesus shakes us up to heal us. He shook me up unexpectedly one retreat, and I’ll never forget it.
I had just made my first vows, and I was ready for my annual 8-day silent retreat to be a special one. Somehow in my mind, that meant gliding through with restful ease and grace, and coming out uniquely rooted in God’s love for me.
Well… the last part happened. But definitely not the rest.
We had just begun our silence, and the Sisters were dispersing to various corners of the retreat house – some towards the outdoor stations of the Cross, some towards the library to pick up a recommended book for guidance, some towards a spiritual director… I joined the quiet line filing down towards the chapel.
As I knelt before the Tabernacle, I opened up our Pauline Prayer Book. There was a simple little prayer that I was so excited to pray for the first time as a Sister under vows. But I didn’t get very far into that prayer. Actually, I didn’t make it past the second line. The prayer began:
“I adore you, my God,
and I love you with all my heart…”
Clear as day, I felt Jesus’ voice from the Tabernacle interrupt me: “Do you?”
It stopped me in my tracks.
I remember just staring at the Tabernacle in surprise, still holding the prayer book open to that prayer that I never did end up finishing.
“Um… yeah. I mean… yeah, I think so… don’t I?”
He basically stared back at me until I finally had the realization of a particular wound and fear that I carried which, if I was really honest with myself, I hadn’t actually entrusted to Jesus yet… a corner of my heart where that fear and that hurt still reigned, and not the love of God. The realization wasn’t pleasant…and honestly it felt a bit sickening in the moment. I was almost upset with Jesus for bringing it up and “ruining” what could have been a very pleasant silent retreat. But I couldn’t really be upset, because in his faithfulness from the Tabernacle, Jesus was jumping straight into helping me accept all of who he was with all of who I was. He wasn’t settling for “most” of my heart. He wanted all of it. And if I was being honest, I wanted that too.
The 8-day conversation that ensued became the retreat that healed me from things I hadn’t even consciously realized I’d been withholding from God.
When I was first discerning with the Daughters of St. Paul, one of the Sisters was describing the Pauline devotion to Jesus under the title ‘Jesus Master, Way, Truth, and Life.’ I remember her saying that “all the devotions to Jesus – his Sacred Heart, his Holy Face, his Precious Blood, and the others – they are all beautiful and good… But for us, it’s like we can’t settle on just one devotion because we want ALL of Jesus! Jesus Master, Way, Truth, and Life is the whole Jesus for the whole person, all of who he is for all of who I am, and for all of humanity too. He is our perfect teacher, and the Way, the Truth, and the Life for our whole person: mind, will, and heart. All of him, for all of us!”
In that 8-day silent retreat, Jesus really challenged me to deepen my own understanding of what it meant to love all of Jesus with all of who I was… with all my mind, with all my will, and with all my heart. And I realized that just like I couldn’t settle for only some of him, because I wanted all of him, he wasn’t going to settle for just some of me. He wanted all of me, too.
So it definitely didn’t end up being a retreat that I glided through with restful ease… but it was, in all its difficulty, steeped in his grace. And I did come out uniquely rooted in God’s love for me, in a way that changed how I could share that love with others.
In the end, I’m glad he shook me up.
Photo by Cosmic Timetraveler on Unsplash